Month: May 2011

5 Reasons Why You Might Want to End Your Relationship

When I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we could raise our children and share the joys of our grandchildren. We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage after 30 years. We do get to share the joys of our grandchildren, but as friends rather than partners. Through the process of our difficult marriage, and my 43 years of counseling individuals and couples, I learned much about why it is better for some relationships to end. Physical and/or Verbal abuse If there is...

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I Don’t Deserve to be Loved

Have you ever said to yourself, “The reason God doesn’t love me is I don’t deserve to be loved?” Have you ever looked inside to discover why you might not be loving to yourself and answered with, “I’m not worthy of love”? I hear this all the time from my clients. It is often one of the major false beliefs of the ego wounded self. What exactly does this mean? When I ask people the question, “Why don’t you deserve love?” they say, “I don’t know. I guess if I deserved love, I would have been loved.” So the...

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Effective Tools to Help You Handle Anger in Teens

EP: James, you’ve explained where anger and hostility come from in teens and how they use it to get out of meeting their responsibilities, but how do you get your child to comply without starting a fight every time? JL: I think compliance is a good goal to have when talking about hostile kids and teens. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. It may be there—and I think these kids love their parents—but it really has more to do with getting your child to comply with the rules at home and at school. What are the weapons...

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The Myth of Explaining and Defending

“What’s the matter with you?” “How could you do that?” “Explain yourself, young lady/young man.” “Why are you dressed like that?” “Why are you late again?” “What did you do to your hair!” How often did you hear some variation of this when you were growing up? I heard it all the time. And what I learned to do was to desperately defend and explain in fruitless attempts to get my mom or dad to stop judging me and SEE me. Or I would apologize and become the “good girl,” so they would approve of me. Of course, defending...

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Trying to Control Makes us Miserable

Have you ever noticed how bad you feel when you try to control things you can’t control – such as others and outcomes? Larry consulted with me because he was often miserable – despite running a successful business, and having a lovely wife and two daughters, whom he adored. It soon became apparent that Larry was deeply addicted to controlling everything – his own feelings, how others felt about him, how well his employees performed, what his wife did for him, how well his children did in school, and whether or not anyone ever took advantage of him. His...

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