Why Won’t My Partner Have Sex With Me?

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I have worked with individuals and couples for the past 42 years, and I have heard this question countless times: “Why doesn’t my partner want to have sex with me?”

Over and over, I discover that there is often ONE major reason he or she doesn’t want to have sex.

Take Lawrence as an example. Lawrence learned as an adolescent to use sex addictively. He would find his father’s porn magazines that his father thought were hidden away and use them to satisfy himself. As he grew older, he learned to use the Internet for the same purpose – turning to his sexual addiction to fill the inner emptiness that came from his self-abandonment. Because Lawrence had never learned to take responsibility for his own feelings, he had learned to use not only sex, but wine and anger as well to fill his emptiness and take away his aloneness.

When he got married, he never saw his wife, Annie, as an equal. Because he had developed the belief that women were objects to be used by men, Annie was just someone to be used to satisfy his neediness.

Before his work with me, both Annie and Lawrence believed there was something wrong with Annie sexually. Annie did not understand why she didn’t want to make love with Lawrence. She didn’t know why her body just seemed to shut down sexually when he came on to her. She loved Lawrence, but she could not stand to have sex with him. Sometimes she forced herself rather than endure his anger at her, but lately she was no longer forcing herself. It felt too awful.

It was obvious to me in my first phone session with Lawrence that the problem was that Lawrence was coming to Annie as a needy little boy rather than as a loving man. Most women do not find needy little boys at all attractive or erotic.

Lawrence was convinced that either he wasn’t attractive enough, or that there was something wrong with Annie. Neither is true.

As I worked with Lawrence with Inner Bonding®, he gradually learned to take responsibility for his own feelings. He gradually learned how to be loving to himself, how to connect with his spiritual source of love, and how to fill himself with love so that he had love to share with Annie. Gradually, he stopped pulling on Annie for sex and stopped getting angry when she didn’t want to have sex with him.

Then, in one of our phone sessions, Lawrence announced, “Annie made love to me the other night, all on her own!”

I had been assuring Lawrence that when he stopped seeing Annie as an object to be used to validate him and fill him up – when he stopped being needy and instead shared his love with her, she would re-discover her sexuality. And, of course, she did!

As long as Lawrence was abandoning himself and making Annie responsible for his sense of worth, he was focused on having control over getting Annie to have sex with him. There was no way that Annie would be turned to him when he was trying to control her and use her. But when Lawrence took on the responsibility of defining his own worth and giving himself the love he was trying so hard to get from Annie, he was able to let go of the control and be present with Annie with love.

Over and over I have seen relationships move back into passion when a needy partner learns how to be loving to themselves and come from love rather than neediness.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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