When You Feel Hurt By Your Partner

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I grew up with a very angry mother who would attack me out of the blue. As a highly sensitive only child, the fear and heartbreak of being treated so unlovingly was unbearable. So rather than feel the hurt, I numbed it out by learning to stay in my head rather than being present in my body, and by focusing on caretaking others’ feelings. The only way I could survive was to not know that I was being so hurt.

I had so deeply shut out knowing about my own pain that when I had children, I thought nothing about yelling at them. One day, as I was yelling at my son Josh, who was about 2 ½, he looked up at me with tears running down his cheeks and said, “Mommy, when you yell at me, I feel like I’m gonna die.”

I was stunned and devastated. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my children. In that moment, I not only stopped yelling, I vowed never to yell at my children again. And I didn’t. I understood that my yelling at them was very hurtful to them, but I still didn’t get that someone doing this to me was hurtful to me.

It took me many years to open to the deep and painful heartbreak of another’s unloving behavior toward me.

Now I know.

And now I know that there are two kinds of hurt – one that I cause and one that is caused by others.

Hurt Caused by Others

When someone, especially someone important to you, is angry and yelling at you, blames you, threatens you, judges you, or attacks you in any way, shuts you out, withdraws, closes their heart to you – and you are open to your feelings – you will feel some heartache, loneliness, heartbreak, and/or sadness. These are the natural core feelings – the feelings my little son was feeling – when someone is being unloving to you and disconnected from you.

The thing that causes the deepest hurt may not even be what they are saying or doing, but the fact that they are being uncaring to you. It is very important for you to learn to distinguish between someone being deliberately hurtful, or being hurtful and not knowing it. I didn’t know I was hurting my son until he told me. Many people have been very uncaring and hurtful to me but didn’t know it because I didn’t tell them – because I didn’t know it. Most of the time, people are not deliberately trying to hurt you, and if they knew they were hurting you they might feel terrible. However, there are times when people are deliberately hurtful, and it is vitally important in terms of taking care of your inner child to not be around people who WANT to hurt you.

Hurt Caused by What You tell Yourself About Others

Jenni called me because she was feeling very hurt by the fact that her husband wanted to go on a weeklong fishing trip with a bunch of guys.

“What is it that is hurting you about this?” I asked.

“Why does he want to spend all that time with them instead of me?”

This is the kind of hurt that is being caused by something that Jenni is telling herself. Her husband is doing what he wants with no desire to hurt her.  This is the wounded-self hurt that comes from the false beliefs of the wounded self – the lies we tell ourselves.

The lies Jenni was telling herself were:

  • If he really loved me, he wouldn’t want to be away from me that long.
  • I must be boring to him for him to want to be with the guys instead of me.
  • He is falling out of love with me.
  • He is probably not going fishing at all. This is just what he is telling me but the truth is he is having an affair.

Jenni’s wounded self has made all these up, but she is acting as if they are true. The truth is, as I later found out from her husband, that he hasn’t spent much time with his guy friends and he loves fishing. He feels very sad that Jenni feels hurt about what he wants to do, rather than supportive of him.

Whether you are dealing with wounded hurt or core hurt, it is your responsibility to be there for yourself with kindness and compassion and an intent to learn about what your feelings are telling you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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