- Psychological Issues
I’ve been counseling individuals and couples for many years. More than half the time, when couples are having problems or the relationship is dissolving, sex is one of the major issues. There are a number of common scenarios:
There are other scenarios, but these are the most common that I’ve encountered.
Invariably, as I’ve explored with one or both partners, I’ve discovered that the underlying cause of many of these scenarios has to do with WHY one of the partners wants to have sex.
There are two basic reasons that people want to have sex:
Sex to Get Something
If you are in a relationship where you want sex and your partner doesn’t, think for a moment about WHY you want or need to have sex. See if you relate to any of these.
I need to have sex to:
When you approach your partner from a place of wanting to get something, you are coming from a needy state. Your neediness is likely not erotic for your partner. Neediness may feel to your partner like you are a child, and that may not be at all attractive to your partner.
Sex to Share Love, Warmth and Connection
Wanting sex to share love comes from a completely different place inside than sex to get something. In order to have love and connection to share, you have to already be connected with yourself and feel filled with love. You cannot share something that you don’t already have.
You cannot share love and connection when you feel unhappy, empty, inadequate, unlovable, disconnected from yourself, stressed or agitated, angry or needing to feel in control of your partner.
If you and your partner are having sexual problems, you each may want to examine the system between you. Is there a control-resist system? Is there a control-compliance system? Is there a compliance-compliance system? Any of these systems may be bypassing the true sharing of love and joy that sexuality between loving, caring partners offers.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!