The Need for Touch

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We are born with the need to touch and be touched, skin-to-skin. If you were not held and touched with love as you were growing up, then this might be a very deep need for you. But even if you were held and touched with love, you still need it today. It is a basic need.

But not all touch meets that need.

There are two kinds of touch:

  • The kind of touch that has the energy of love
  • The kind of touch that has the energy of neediness

The Needy Touch

When I was growing up, I didn’t like being touched by my mother. Her touch was not loving and comforting. Instead, it was a pull from her to fill her emptiness. When she touched me, it felt like she was sucking the life out of me, and in a sense she was. Not having her own loving energy due to her inability to connect with her Self and with her spiritual Source of love, she was always pulling on others for the love she needed. Her touch was smothering rather than nurturing.

My father’s touch was more nurturing when I was little, but when I reached adolescence, his touch always had a sexual energy. Rather than nurturing, it was needy – and scary. There is nothing nurturing about sexual energy from a father.

Many of my clients, especially women, end up sexualizing their need for touch, thinking that having sex will meet their need to be held and touched. Or, they end up giving themselves up and going along with sex in the hope that the holding and touching will meet their need. But it never does. Sex, and the need to be lovingly held and touched, are two different experiences, and one does not replace the other.

It is unfortunate that it so hard to find the unconditionally loving touch that we all need.

The Loving Touch

The loving touch is the touch that comes from a place within that is full of love – a place that doesn’t need anything back. It is a touch that is a conduit for the unconditional energy of love that is God.

This is the touch we need. It is a healing touch, a touch that says, “You matter. You have value. You are a beautiful child of God, and I am blessed to be able to be a conduit of love to you.”

This is what loving parents who are connected with themselves and their Source give to their children. Their children are truly blessed to receive this love, for it is a part of the foundation of their sense of worth.

It’s Never Too Late

Many of us never received this love through touch, but it is never too late. However, before you can benefit from this touch, and bring into your life people who touch with love rather than with neediness, you need to learn three things:

  • You need to be aware that you need this kind of touch
  • You need to learn the difference between loving touch and needy touch
  • You need to learn how to love yourself enough to begin to take responsibility for your own feelings, so that you are not a bottomless pit of neediness

This is where the Inner Bonding® process comes in, which teaches you how love yourself and take responsibility for your feelings. As you learn this, you will begin to draw people into your life who can share love with you, rather than just trying to get love.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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