The Art of Manifestation: When It Is Loving to Be Controlling

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Is it loving or unloving to be controlling? It all depends on your intent, on which part of you is trying to control, and what you are trying to control.

When Controlling is Unloving

When you are coming from an ego wounded part of yourself and your intent is to control others to get them to do what you want them to do, you are being unloving to both yourself and to them. When you get angry, blaming, withdrawn, resistant, or compliant, and when you lie, manipulate, threaten, or in any other way intimidate others to get them to do what you want them to do, you are abandoning yourself and making others responsible for you in ways that are unkind to both yourself and them.

When you abandon responsibility for your own feelings and needs, instead trying to get others to make you feel safe, secure, worthy and lovable, you are being unloving to yourself and others.

When you make the bottom line more important than kindness and caring, you are lacking integrity and harming your own soul and the souls of others.

All these ways of controlling are unloving.

When Controlling is Loving

It is loving to yourself to consciously control your own intent rather than automatically revert to the default setting of protecting against your pain by trying to control others.

It is loving to yourself to consciously control your thoughts and actions – to choose to think true thoughts and take loving actions in your own behalf.

The law of attraction states that like attracts like. I am often asked, “Is it controlling or loving to focus on what I want with excitement, faith and gratitude, like the law of attraction books say to do? Aren’t I trying to control the outcome of things when I do this? I’ve been told that trying to control outcomes is controlling and therefore unloving. I’m confused!”

Trying to control outcomes with thought, excitement, faith and gratitude is not in itself unloving. It is when you attach your happiness and worth to the outcome that it becomes unloving to yourself.

Focusing your thoughts on what you want with joy, faith and gratitude, is controlling, but there is nothing wrong with this kind of controlling behavior. It is not harming you or anyone else. Since it likely makes you feel wonderful to think about what you want with faith, joy and excitement, rather than what you don’t want with fear and anxiety, then it is loving action – as long as you don’t make your worth and happiness dependent upon the outcome. This is one of the keys of taking personal responsibility for yourself – to be thinking and behaving in ways that bring you joy.

You are manifesting what you want when you focus on what you want throughout the day, thinking thoughts that make you feel happy, choosing to be in faith and expressing gratitude for what you have and for what you want. The moment you go into fear or make your happiness and wellbeing dependent on the outcome, you are no longer manifesting what you want – you are now manifesting what you don’t want.

So practice controlling what you can control – your own intent, thoughts and actions. This is what the Inner Bonding® process is all about – becoming conscious of your thoughts and actions that make you feel anxious, fearful, empty, alone, angry, guilty, shamed, or depressed, and choosing those thoughts and actions that make you feel safe, peaceful, fulfilled, and joyful.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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