The Aging Narcissist

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Interview granted to Harmony (India)

The first thing that occurs to me when thinking of aging is a gradual change in one’s physical structure that is apparent to others, and to oneself of course. Now what precisely do we mean by aging, or getting old or older, in terms of the mind or psyche?

“Old” is commonly thought of as an adjective which bundles together objective physical and mental changes (for the worse); growing dysfunctions in a variety of areas of life; and cultural and social norms and prejudices that together constitute a pernicious stereotype. Reality, however, is more complex. Aging has its positive sides: perspective and experience tend to reduce anxiety and increase efficacy; a life-long worth of networking provides enhanced access to a variety of societal and economic benefits; an extended family generate emotional (and, at times, economic) succor; as leisure time increases, one can cater to one’s hobbies and fulfil one’s dreams; and so on. These largely positive “externalities” are often ignored and the undeniably negative dimensions of aging are sensationally emphasized.

What major kinds of fear(s) are associated with aging in its psychological sense that you just explained? (also tell a bit about the root cause of those fears)

It is of course the fear of Death that wears a thousand guises. “Aging” is the name we give to the cumulation of irrefutable proofs that we are mortal. So, when we fear physical decrepitude, mental deterioration, illness, loss of capacities, social ostracism, and other less than savory facets of growing old, what we actually dread is our very end. The promise of an afterlife doesn’t really fool anyone, including the most devout believers. No one wants to die and no one wants to be reminded constantly of the transience of his existence. Old-age is also a time of soul-searching and tallying: dreams unfulfilled; wishes denied; fantasies which have remained exactly that; wrong turns and erroneous decisions; remorse, regret, and heartbreak. The knowledge that there is no second chance imbues one’s last years with tragedy.

Please tell our readers a little about what narcissism is, its key personality features, and why some people develop such personalities? (Also tell who/which profession’s people etc is more prone to developing narcissism)

Pathological narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving in adolescence and adulthood, which involves infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of others. It manifests in the chronic and compulsive pursuit of personal gratification and attention (narcissistic supply), social dominance and ruthless personal ambition. The narcissist constantly brags; is insensitive to others; lacks empathy; is hypervigilant (spots slights and insults in every utterance and beahvior); and is excessively dependent on others to meet his/her responsibilities in daily life. Possessed of a grandiose and inflated fantasy of himself (the False Self), the narcissist feels entitled to special treatment regardless of his actual accomplishments, or lack thereof.

Pathological narcissism is at the core of the narcissistic personality disorder. As distinct from healthy narcissism which we all possess, pathological narcissism is maladaptive, rigid, persisting, and causes significant distress, and functional impairment.

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial – the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and “engulfing” the child are also forms of abuse. There may be a genetic component in the make-up of the narcissist which predispose him to his pathology.

Can aging narcissists hope for returning to a normal life with some kind of therapy, counseling, or just social support? (tell briefly about what works for making narcissists get to normal thinking and behavior)

How can a narcissist return to a “normal” when – by the very definition of his disorder – he has never had a normal life and is utterly incapable of one? Narcissists are mentally-ill. Pathological narcissism cannot be ”healed”, or “cured”. Only certain attendant mental health problems – such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder – can be ameliorated or controlled with medication. Additionally, particularly abrasive, grating, or antisocial behaviours can be modified using talk therapy (cognitive-behavioral being the most successful).

What are the major signs obvious to the family or loved ones of an aging narcissist that help them identify his/her emotional crisis so as to seek therapeutic help?

Narcissists rarely seek therapeutic help and they definitely do not listen to advice of any kind. The narcissist constantly consumes (really, preys upon) adoration, admiration, approval, applause, attention and other forms of Narcissistic Supply. When lacking or deficient, a Narcissistic Deficiency Dysphoria sets in. The narcissist then appears to be depressed, his movements slow down, his sleep patterns are disordered (he either sleeps too much or becomes insomniac), his eating patterns change (he gorges on food or is avoids it altogether).

He is constantly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (finds no pleasure in anything, including his former pursuits, hobbies, and interests). He is subjected to violent mood swings (mainly rage attacks) and all his (visible and painful) efforts at self-control fail. He may compulsively and ritually resort to an alternative addiction – alcohol, drugs, reckless driving, shopaholism.

How do you think an aging narcissist need to be treated at home and in workplace to ensure his emotional wellbeing?

Avoid all contact with the narcissist in your life. All other advice is spurious and erroneous. Narcissists cannot be “fixed” and, if you do not keep absolute distance, will ruin your life thoroughly. To believe that one can affect the narcissist’s wellbeing is malignant optimism, a manifestation of the rescue fantasies that are so common among co-dependents.

Finally Sam, what are some of the healthy things or activities that an average narcissist should engage in for living positively?

Narcissists cannot live positively. They are other-destructive, self-destructive, and self-defeating. They are a menace to themselves, to their nearest, and to society at large. They are like drug addicts in that they compulsively and ruthlessly pursue narcissistic supply (attention and adulation). But, unlike substance abuse, narcissism is an all-pervasive and malignant problem that invades and infects all the dimensions of the narcissist’s existence. Narcissists are recidivistic, incorrigible, intractable, and hopeless cases.

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love, and runs the website Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited.Sam has served as the author of the Personality Disorders topic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder topic, the Verbal and Emotional Abuse topic, and the Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence topic, Suite101.

1 Comment

  1. Elaine Sheppard Dodd

    April 3, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    This describes my husband of 50 yrs to a tee. He’s worsened greatly w age. Is mean, miserable, stingy, heartless & He blames me for Everything. He cas me fat, old ,& dumb When just the opposite is true. He is killing me day by day. I feel Divorce is the only option. I was going for Alienation of Affection ( no outsider involved), but now I m petrified the court will see this as an ailment. I know that he has ruined me & I allowed it. Elaine

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