Speaking Your Truth Without Blame or Judgment

13_0050_Layer 50

How often have you become irritated or angry, given yourself up, started to argue or debate, teach or explain, or withdrew when someone was treating you badly – ordering you around, judging you, blaming you, or dumping their complaints or negativity on you? How often have you behaved in any of these protective, controlling ways when someone is unknowingly interrupting you when you are trying to focus on something or get something done? How do you end up feeling when you behave in any of these ways?

The chances are you end up feeling angry, hurt, anxious, depressed, or numbed out. It is easy to believe that these feelings are coming from the other person’s behavior toward you, but this is not the case. Your unhappy feelings are coming from not taking loving care of yourself.

For example, Madison consulted with me because she was feeling depressed. She and Andrew had been married for 12 years. She loved Andrew and felt that they had a deep soul connection. Yet she was often unhappy around him.

“Andrew can be very critical. As soon as something doesn’t go his way, he tends to take it out on me, finding some way to blame me for the situation. If I interrupt him at something, he gets extremely annoyed, but if I just get a little annoyed when he interrupts me, like he does lots of times when we are together in the evening and I’m writing in my journal, he gets really angry.”

“How do you generally handle these situations?” I asked her.

“I’ve tried different things. Sometimes I try to get him to see what he is doing. Sometimes I just get quiet, and sometime I try to pacify him.”

“How do you feel when you do these things?”

“Lousy. If I say anything it often leads to an argument, and if I don’t I end up feeling badly. It seems like a no-win to me.”

“Madison, when Andrew is critical or interrupts you when you are writing in your journal, how long does it take you before you realize that it is bothering you?”

“I realize it right away, but most of the time I don’t do anything about it. I guess I hope that he will just stop if I don’t respond. But he doesn’t seem to get the hint – he just goes right on being critical or talking at me.”

“So by the time you say anything, you are irritated, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And then he reacts to your irritation?”

“Yes, and gets mad.”

“What do you think would happen if you attended to your feelings and immediately said something, before you were irritated?”

“I think that would be much better. The few times I’ve done that, Andrew reacts well. When I’m able to say something like, “Honey, can you hold on a sec? I’m in the middle of something,” he is fine.”

“What do you think stops you from speaking your truth right away, so that you can say it without blame or judgment?”

“I think I’m not caring enough about how I feel. I’m immediately aware when I don’t like something, but somehow I seem to discount my feelings until I’m irritated.”

Madison decided to stop discounting her feelings and to practice speaking her truth immediately. She found that when she was about to speak her truth right away, she could do it without blame or judgment. Things between her and Andrew dramatically improved. Madison was surprised to discover that she had been being just as critical as Andrew. Once she started to speak up for herself from her loving Adult rather than from her wounded self, her depression went away.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *