Relationships: Do You Have the Same Conflicts Over and Over?

Exaggeration of a couple fighting, the woman lands a punch with boxing gloves on

Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over – primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible.

I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues.

I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:

  • The issue itself, such as their conflict regarding limits for their children;
  • The intent with which they were discussing the issue.

There are only two possible intents in discussing an issue with your partner:

  • The intent to protect against losing yourself, losing the conflict, feeling rejected, or feeling controlled;
  • The intent to learn about yourself and your partner – about the good reasons each of you has for seeing things the way you do. When in the intent to learn, you are open to resolving the conflict in a way that feels like a win-win.

The reason that Kari and Rudy could not resolve their conflicts is that both of them were in the intent to protect, and they were both using various forms of controlling behavior to protect themselves. In order to resolve their conflicts, both of them needed to be in the intent to learn.

There was no point in even trying to resolve their conflicts if one or both of them were in the intent to protect/control. There is no way to get anywhere when your focus is on winning, being right, being in control and not being controlled, or avoiding any other pain. As long as avoiding pain is more important to you than being loving to yourself and your partner, you will be closed and protected and the conflict cannot reach a mutually satisfying resolution.

I worked with both Kari and Rudy on how each of them were protecting and controlling. Rudy tended to shut down and withdraw, becoming very quiet in an angry way, while Kari tended to get angrier and angrier the more Rudy shut down. Both of them were hurt in these interactions. Both ended up feeling unloved and disconnected from each other.

In order to open with each other, each of them needed to learn to tune into their painful feelings of loneliness, heartache, and helplessness in the face of the other’s protections. Each needed to learn to be compassionate about their own feelings as well as the other’s feelings. Each needed to care more about themselves and each other than about whether they were right, or not wrong. It needed to become more important to them to stay open and caring than to avoid their painful feelings with their protective, controlling behavior.

Kari and Rudy worked hard with the Inner Bonding process to learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings rather than continuing to blame and try to control each other.

Finally, in a session a few months into their work with me, they were both open at the same time. They were shocked to experience how easy it was to resolve the child-rearing issue, as well as the other issues they’d been struggling with for years. Through their openness and caring about themselves and each other, they were able to learn so much about themselves and each other that new solutions emerged for them. They were delighted!

If you are stuck in resolving conflicts, then let go of the issues and look at your intent. I assure you that when both of you are open to learning about yourselves and each other and want to support your own and your partner’s highest good, you will be able to easily resolve your conflicts.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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