Relationship Breakup: Heartbreak and Healing

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Lindsay called me for counseling because her boyfriend of 18 months had just ended their relationship. Lindsay, 28, had been sure that Jake was “Mr. Right.”

“I am so heartbroken,” sobbed Lindsay. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. It feels like my heart is breaking apart. I love Jake so much and I thought he loved me too. I don’t get how this could have happened, or why it happened. I feel like I can’t live without him.”

“Tell me about your relationship with Jake.”

“We met through a mutual friend and hit it off right away. We have so much in common. Within a couple of months we were talking about marriage and children. But about six months into the relationship, Jake started to get a little distant. He said it was nothing, that he just needed a little space. It kind of freaked me out but I gave him the space. Then things seemed fine for a while again until a few months ago, when I mentioned getting married. That’s when he started to pull away again, which was terribly confusing to me since he was the one who first brought up marriage. Then last Saturday night, he told me that he realized that he is just not ready for marriage and that he wanted to end the relationship. I was so shocked, and now I don’t know what to do.”

As we talked more about the relationship, it became apparent that Jake has a fear of engulfment. From the time he mentioned marriage, his fears of losing himself got triggered and he started to pull away. His pulling away triggered Lindsay’s fears of rejection and she started to subtly pull on him for more time and attention, which only exacerbated his fears of engulfment. Lindsay found herself becoming more and more needy as Jake continued to pull away.

Abandoning Herself

The reason that Lindsay was struggling so much with the breakup was because she had abandoned herself to Jake – making Jake her Source rather than Spirit her Source. Jake became her God, which terrified him.

Had Lindsay stayed connected with herself in the relationship with Jake, she would have realized that Jake’s fear of engulfment was too unhealed for him to be in the kind of committed relationship that she envisioned. If she had not abandoned herself to Jake, she probably would not have committed to the relationship. But Jake’s fears of engulfment triggered her father’s emotional unavailability and she unconsciously hoped to have control over getting from Jake what she couldn’t get from her father.

healing her Heartbreak

For Lindsay to recover from her heartbreak, she needed to learn to stay connected with her feelings and her spiritual Source, rather than make a man responsible for her wellbeing. The clue to this was her saying “I feel like I can’t live without him.” Another person becoming so important to you that you feel you can’t live without him or her is a clue that you are abandoning yourself.

The deeper level of heartbreak is this self-abandonment – which likely mirrors the abandonment you may have experienced as you were growing up. Many people have learned to treat themselves as they were treated or as their parents or caregivers treated themselves. When this is the case, you are abandoning the child within – your feeling self. Instead of taking responsibility for your own feelings, you are making another responsible for your happiness and wellbeing, and when they leave or die, you are left devastated.

This is what was happening with Lindsay. She was devastated because she had abandoned her responsibility for her happiness and sense of worth and lovability and had made Jake responsible. She felt abandoned by Jake because she had abandoned herself.

Through practicing Inner Bonding, Lindsay learned to take responsibility for her own happiness, worth and lovability. The more she took this responsibility, the more her broken heart healed..

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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