Lying as a Form of Control

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All of us, as we were growing up, learned a myriad of ways to try to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. One of the ways we might have learned is to lie.

We all had many opportunities to learn this way of protecting ourselves, which is a form of manipulation/control:

  • A parent or caregiver interrogated you about something you knew you were not supposed to do. Did you tell the truth or did you deny that you did it?
  • A teacher asked why you didn’t do your homework or why you did badly on a test. Did you say that it was too boring or you forgot or did you give some other, untrue, excuse?
  • A friend asked you to a sleepover and you didn’t like being with their family. Did you tell the truth that you don’t like their parents or siblings, or did you make up some excuse?

Of course most of us learned to lie rather than have to deal with someone’s disapproval, rejection, hurt or anger. We were too little and too scared to know how to manage these situations any other way.

But What About Now?

The problem is that you may never have taken the time to learn how to take loving care of yourself when someone important to you is angry, blaming, judgmental, or hurt. Or, you might never have taken the time to learn to value yourself enough so that you don’t have to try to control how people feel about you with lies or exaggerations. So you might lie as a way of protecting yourself from having to deal with their reaction, and as a way of trying to control how they feel about you.

But how do you end up feeling about yourself when you know that you are being manipulative rather than authentic? Even if you do manage to avoid someone’s anger or judgment, how do you feel about yourself being so inauthentic? And if you believe that you are getting someone to like you as a result of being dishonest, inside you know that they do not like you for you, but for whom you appear to be. This cannot lead to feeling inwardly secure.

Beyond lying

What would it take for you to stop lying and be completely honest about who you are and how you feel?

You need to learn how to manage the painful feelings of loneliness, heartache, or heartbreak that you will likely feel when someone you care about is angry, blaming, rejecting, judgmental, or hurt by your truth. As long as you are afraid of these authentic feelings, you will avoid them with your various protections, which may include lying.

We lovingly manage these feelings only when we develop a loving Adult part of ourselves. In the Inner Bonding® process, the loving Adult is who we are when we are connected with a spiritual source of love, comfort, wisdom and truth. We cannot manage these core painful feelings from our wounded, ego self. So when you are unable to spiritually connect, you will continue to protect against these feelings, which means that you will continue to lie if lying is one of your learned protections.

It is not as hard as you may believe to learn how to connect with your personal source of spiritual Guidance. When your intention shifts from protecting/controlling to learning what it means to be loving to yourself and others, the doorway automatically opens to experiencing this connection.

Intention is a powerful thing. Start today to become aware of choosing to protect/control or to learn/love and move onto the path of honesty, truth, and authenticity.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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