Is Your Partner Always Pointing Out Your Flaws?

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Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner’s flaws – that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving – it is controlling.

Pointing Out Flaws

By pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the things that you don’t like and become more the person you want him or her to be. Now, be honest with yourself – is it working?

Your partner might have one of two major responses to your judgments.

  1. He or she might try very hard to become what you want them to be, thereby losing themselves. You might find that the more your partner tries to comply with your wishes, the less attractive he or she becomes to you. People who give themselves up are generally seen as doormats – not as personally powerful and attractive people. So, while your partner might try to change to be what you think you want him or her to be, you might find yourself losing interest.
  2. Your partner might be a person who hates being controlled – hates being told what to do and how to be. When this is the case, he or she might shut down to you, resisting being controlled by you.

Since neither of these foster close, loving, intimate relationships – ask yourself again: Is it working?

Having Your Flaws Pointed Out

Are you with a partner that is always pointing out what he or she thinks is “wrong” with you? How do you respond to this? Are you the compliant type or the resistant type? How is this affecting you and your relationship?

Neither compliance nor resistance is loving to yourself. In both of these responses, you are abandoning yourself. It is obvious to see that giving yourself up is a form of self-abandonment. It is actually a form of control, the hope being that if you form yourself into who you think your partner wants you to be, he or she will love you. Now, honestly, is it working?

It may be harder to see that resistance is also a form of self-abandonment. Instead of being who you are and doing what you want to do, you are reactive to your partner, resisting being controlled by him or her. It is actually another form of giving yourself up because you are not doing what you want to do but instead just resisting what the other person wants. Again, be honest with yourself – it is working to create a loving relationship? Is it working to create a sense of personal self-worth?

Taking Loving Care of Yourself

This unloving relationship system can change! As the one who judges, you need to learn to take your eyes off trying to change your partner and put them on yourself – on how to take loving care of yourself regardless of what your partner is doing. You need to accept that trying to control your partner by pointing out flaws only creates a lack of intimacy.

As the one who is being judged, you need to stop being a reactor and start speaking up for yourself. You might feel terrific if, instead of complying or resisting, you were to say something like, “I’m not available to be judged by you. When you want to be accepting, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to (read a book, take a walk, go out with a friend, etc.).” We train people how to treat us, and by no longer being reactive to being judged and instead taking loving care of yourself, you might find that your partner gives up pointing out your flaws!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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