Intimacy and Connection-The Aliveness of Life

The shadows of two people holding hands

“Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself.” – Thomas Moore, author, Care of the Soul

Most of us would love to have intimacy and connection in our lives, yet we often find this elusive. Why?

Thomas Moore puts it in a nutshell. Until we are intimate and connected with ourselves, we cannot experience the greatest joy in life – intimacy and connection with others.

The question becomes: what causes alienation and division within yourself? Just one thing – self abandonment.

To understand self-abandonment, let’s take an analogy. Let’s say you have a small child who comes to you upset or crying. There are four major ways you can abandon this child:

  • You stay distracted in your mind rather than become present in your heart.

If you stay distracted in your left-brain thoughts, rather than getting with the child and being present in your heart with caring and kindness, the child will feel unloved, unimportant and abandoned – and maybe angry.

This is what you might be doing with yourself – staying in your mind rather being present in your heart, avoiding your feelings rather than compassionately attending to them. This is one form of self-abandonment.

  • You judge the child.

If you judge the child, saying things like, “What’s the matter with you? It’s no big deal; I’ll give you something to cry about,” the child will feel unloved, shamed and abandoned.

This is what you may be doing to yourself – judging yourself for your feelings, rather than compassionately attending to them. You will likely feel alone, depressed, anxious and shamed when you treat yourself this way.

  • You turn to various addictions.

If you turn to various addictions – grabbing a drink, a cigarette, food, turning on the TV or the computer – the child will feel alone, ignored and abandoned.

When you turn to addictions, rather than attend to your own feeling with a desire to learn and take responsibility for them, you will likewise feel alone and abandoned.

  • You try to get others to take care of the child.

If you take the child by the hand and go from neighbor to neighbor, saying, “This child is upset. Will you deal with him or her? I don’t want to,” the child will feel deeply unloved, unimportant and abandoned.

Do you do this with your own feelings? Do you make others responsible for making you feel safe, secure, worthy and happy? Do you spend a lot of energy trying to have control over getting others to love you, rather than learning to love yourself? If you do, you will likely feel anxious, alone, depressed, angry and disconnected.

Think about your parents or caregivers. Did they role-model loving themselves or abandoning themselves? If they abandoned themselves, then where would you have learned to love yourself? You might know you need to love yourself, and even want to love yourself, but do you know HOW?

Inner Bonding is a compete process for learning how to stop abandoning yourself and start learning how to love yourself. It gives you all the tools you need to stop being alienated from yourself and start being intimate and connected with yourself. It develops your ability to tap into the profound role-modeling from Spirit which is available to all of us, and which develops your ability to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings.

When you learn how to be intimate and connected with yourself, your anxiety, depression, emptiness, anger, addictions and relationships will heal. Then you can be intimate and connected with others and experience the joy and aliveness that life has to offer.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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