If You Really Loved Me, You Wouldn’t…


How often have you had the thought, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t…

  • Get angry, yell, curse, call names, say mean, untrue things about me
  • Project your behavior onto me
  • Withdraw, run away, shut down, sit spaced-out in front of the TV
  • Resist doing what I ask you to do
  • Look at other women, have an affair
  • ____________________ (fill in your own)

I used to have this thought all the time. If someone yelled, blamed me, shut me out, didn’t see me accurately, or went into resistance, I would think, “You don’t care about me. If you cared about me, you wouldn’t treat me this way. How can you say you care about me and then treat me this way?” Sometimes I would even say this out loud. And always I would feel deep loneliness and heartache at being treated this way.

Then one day I suddenly saw all this uncaring behavior in a completely different light. I saw clearly that it had nothing to do with me!It wasn’t about me at all!

This thought totally stunned me. It’s not that I previously didn’t understand that I shouldn’t take others’ behavior personally. I had known this for years and thought I was practicing not taking their behavior personally. But I didn’t realize that I still had the unconscious thought that if someone loved me or cared about me, they wouldn’t act that way in the first place.

Sometimes we learn something and then suddenly we learn it on a much deeper level. And when we do, we realize that we had never quite gotten it before – even though we thought we had. This was the case with this deeper understanding. In that moment, I went from understanding that others’ unloving behavior was not about me, to feeling this truth deep within me. And this deeper level of knowing shifted everything for me.

This kind of deeper awareness is a moment of Grace. At that moment, I went from feeling like a victim of a loved ones’ uncaring behavior to just being able to observe it without taking it personally. I was able to see that it was coming from their fear and insecurity and to have compassion for whatever difficulties they were having. I saw it as a 5-year-old acting out, rather than as an adult being abusive. I became able to easily walk away from this uncaring treatment, without the hurt I used to feel.

Sure, it still feels lonely when a loved one acts this way, but now it just sort of sails by me. Inside I’m laughing, as I see the absurdity of acting like a 5-year-old trying to control – and I feel compassion, as I realize how often I’ve acted out in the same absurd way.

What a relief to no longer feel uncared about when a loved one acts out! What a relief to know that he or she actually does really care about me – just not necessarily in the moment that they are triggered into some fear and need to control. What a relief to no longer tell myself that this person doesn’t care about me. Knowing deep inside that the other person’s behavior isn’t about me – that it’s 100% about them not dealing with their feelings in a loving way with themselves and with me – feels incredibly freeing!

Our narcissistic ego wounded self loves to believe that others’ behavior is about us. I hope the next time someone is uncaring toward you, you have the moment of Grace that allows you to see below the surface, so you can experience the inner peace that comes from knowing that it’s not about you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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