I Want to Love But I Can’t Give Up Control

10_0051_Layer 49

Peter had been working with me on the phone for a number of months. He had sought my help because of problems in his relationship with his wife, Anika.

Peter grew up with an extremely empty, invasive, controlling mother and an extremely empty emotionally withdrawn father. His mother constantly pulled on Peter to fill her up with his praise and attention.

Peter learned very early to close his heart, just as his father had done, in order to not be invaded and smothered by his mother. Now, he was struggling to open his heart, which he realized he needed to do to begin healing the troubled relationship with Anika. She was threatening to leave the relationship with their 3 young children. Having given herself up to Peter for the last 12 years, she was no longer willing to continue losing herself, nor was she willing to continue to feel so lonely with Peter.

“Peter,” I said to him, “until it is more important to you to love yourself and Anika, instead of consistently protecting against pain with your controlling and resistance behavior, nothing is going to change.”

“It is important to me.”

“Yes, I understand that it is important to you, but not more important than protecting against your fears of rejection and engulfment with your closed heart and other controlling behavior.”

Peter had learned to stay in his head rather than being present in his body. He was rarely present in the moment. In addition, he had learned to use his anger and blame to avoid responsibility for his own feelings.

“I want to love but I can’t seem to give up trying to control.”

“What are you so afraid of in giving up controlling?”

“I’m going to be hurt and taken advantage of.”

Peter’s role model of not being controlled was his father, who had taught him to shut down. Peter believed that if he didn’t try to have control and resist being controlled, he would be weak. While he liked his father, he saw him as a very weak man. Not wanting to appear weak like his father, yet knowing no other way of not being controlled, he nevertheless unconsciously adopted some of this father’s protections against being controlled, as many of us do. He learned to shut down or get angry to feel safe. To him, these were signs of strength, while being open-hearted felt too vulnerable.

What Peter had a hard time grasping is that when we open our heart to loving, the first person we need to learn to love is ourselves. As we practice Inner Bonding® and learn to connect with a source of spiritual Guidance which helps us learn to love ourselves, we become far more empowered to take loving care of ourselves, which includes being able to keep our hearts open while not allowing ourselves to be invaded and manipulated.

As Peter practiced connecting with his spiritual Guidance and taking responsibility for his own feelings, he slowly healed his fears of rejection and engulfment, which led to opening his heart. He learned to tune into his own feelings and take loving action for himself rather than get angry, blaming, closed and withdrawn.

The more he learned to be loving to himself, the more Anika felt his loving presence and her loneliness gradually diminished.

Peter no longer feared being rejected or taken advantage of because he had learned to not take other’s behavior personally and to stand up for himself in the face of others controlling behavior. He was even able to keep his heart open around his mother!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *