High Maintenance Relationships

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What is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life.

Emotional High Maintenance

When a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, wellbeing, or happiness, they are high maintenance.

Elizabeth wants constant approval, attention, and affection from her husband, William. When he is busy with work or his hobbies, she calls him incessantly, whining about when he is going to have time for her. At least a couple of times a week, she insists they talk about their relationship and proceeds to blame him for her unhappiness. But no matter how much approval or attention William gives her, she is never happy for long. Because she takes no responsibility for her own feelings, her happiness is totally dependent on William. Elizabeth is emotionally high maintenance.

Daniel needs things just the way they “should” be. If the kids are too noisy or the house isn’t in order, he blows up at his wife, Sophia. Daniel takes no responsibility for the inner self-abandonment that creates his need to be in control over everything. He makes his wife and children completely responsible for his feelings of emptiness and aloneness that are the result of his self-abandonment. Daniel is emotionally high maintenance.

Financial High Maintenance

When Anthony married Olivia, he was trying to get his acting career going and Olivia was earning a lot of money in finance. At first she had no problem supporting Anthony in his passion, but within a couple of years, Anthony had stopped looking for acting jobs and was living high off of Olivia’s salary. When Olivia consulted me for counseling, she was thinking about divorce. Anthony was constantly demanding more and more money for the things he felt he needed to be happy – and to cover up the deep insecurity that resulted from his inner abandonment. Anthony is financially high maintenance.

Brenda can never have enough clothes, shoes, and purses. And she never seems to have anything to wear. Her identity is completely tied up in how she looks and her material possessions. She takes no responsibility for her inner sense of safety and security. When her husband, Alex, refused to buy her a bigger house, she became enraged and threatened divorce. She is constantly judging Alex for not making enough money, even though Alex does very well. Brenda is financially high maintenance.

sexually High Maintenance

Brad had learned when he was young to be harshly judgmental of himself, and he took no responsibility for the pain this caused him. Instead, he was constantly demanding that his wife, Emma, make him feel better by having sex with him. Brad uses his wife and sex to take away the pain that he is causing by his own self-abandonment. Brad is sexually and emotionally high maintenance.

Chloe grew up getting a lot of attention for her looks, which she now sees as her value. Emotionally self-abandoning, she looks to her husband, Matthew, to make her feel lovable by having sex with her. She often comes on to Matthew and then gets angry when he is not turned on to her. While Matthew used to be very attracted to Chloe, now he feels pulled on to make her feel loved and worthy. Chloe is sexually and emotionally high maintenance.

As the Partner

If you have a partner who is high maintenance, you need to realize that you, too, are not taking responsibility for your own feelings. Instead, you are enabling your partner to continue to turn to you for his or her sense of worth, security, lovability, and so on. As long as you are taking responsibility for your partner, you are not taking responsibility for yourself.

I encourage you to stop caretaking your partner, which is not loving to either of you, and start learning how to be loving to yourself – which is the very best thing you can do for yourself and for your partner!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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