Healing the Need for Others Approval

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Do you ever find yourself thinking things like:

  • I’d better give her a call or she will think I don’t like her.
  • If I do what I want to do he will be mad.
  • If I don’t explain myself they will think I don’t care.
  • If I wear the same outfit again they will think less of me.

And so on….

Do you automatically adjust your behavior to try to have some control over what others think of you – trying to get approval and avoid disapproval? The need for approval and the fear of disapproval may be running your life, albeit unconsciously. When your sense of safety, worth and lovability are tied to what others think of you, then you constantly attempt to look “right” and perform “right” in order to attempt to control what others think of you.

However, since the very act of making others responsible for your sense of safety, worth and lovability is a form of self-abandonment, the more you do it, the more insecure you feel. No matter how much approval you receive, it never heals the inner insecurity that comes from abandoning yourself.

How to Heal the Need for Approval

We all need approval, but we end up depending on others for approval when we do not give ourselves the approval we need.

This concept can be confusing, because many people have learned to give themselves affirmations, which as, “I am perfect,” “I am lovable,” with no positive effect on their self-esteem. Why is this?

When you give yourself approval from your left-brain programmed mind – your ego wounded self – you will not believe what you are telling yourself. You will know that you are “just making it up” so your feeling self, which is your inner child, will not believe you. Your inner child will especially not believe you if you continue to treat yourself in unloving, self-abandoning ways, such as judging yourself, ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and making others responsible for your self-worth. If you tell an actual child that he or she is lovable and perfect, but you ignore the child, judge the child, give the child cookies and material things instead of love, and try to get others to take care of the child, the child will not believe you when you say that he or she is lovable. If you give the child approval AND treat the child in very loving ways, then the child will believe you when you say, “You are so incredible. I love you so much.”

Likewise, if you are connected with your Higher Self – your wise and powerful source of love and truth – and you are taking loving action in your own behalf, then your inner child will believe you when you give yourself approval.

Approval and affirmations do not affect the core of you when they come from your ego wounded self, but they go deeply inside when they come from your Higher Self, and are followed up with loving actions toward yourself.

This is what heals the need for others’ approval. Obviously, in order to give this to yourself, you have to be connected with your Higher Self – whatever that is for you. It may be the highest part of yourself, your experience of God/Goddess, your connection with the universe, and so on. The approval and affirmations need to come THROUGH you from a higher source for your inner child to believe them, rather than from your programmed mind.

If you practice Inner Bonding®, you will discover that your connection with your spiritual Guidance gradually becomes more tangible to you. With this strengthened connection, you will be able to heal your need for others’ approval.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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