Getting Love, Being Loving

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Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:

  • Is it most important to you to get someone to love you – to get love?
  • Is it more important to you to be a loving person – to give love to yourself and others?

At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.

Getting Love

Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings – the best about themselves.

They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.

The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics – giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on – don’t work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control – convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.

But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.

Being Loving

When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself – for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love – then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share and love, rather than to get love, security and validation.

When your intent is to be loving, you don’t see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn’t need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.

Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they “love” you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.

As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.

Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.

Why not begin today learning how to do that?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

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