Gaining Others’ Respect

13_0056_Layer 44

We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?

Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, “should” be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully – which they often do.

What Nigel has failed to understand  – which is what led him to seek my help – is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Much of my work with Nigel has centered around becoming aware of the many ways he disrespects himself and what would be respectful to himself.


  • He often judges his own feelings, discounting his feelings and telling himself that he “shouldn’t” feel this way.
  • He often ignores his feelings, staying focused in his head instead of his body, and turning to addictions, such as sugar and TV to numb his feelings.
  • He sees himself as a victim of others’ choices, making others responsible for his feelings rather than taking responsibility for his own pain and joy.


  • He often stays up late watching TV, disrespecting his need for adequate sleep.
  • He often grabs junk food, not taking the time to eat well, disrespecting his body’s need for good nutrition.
  • He doesn’t take the time to exercise so he is out of shape, disrespecting his need for a strong and healthy body.
  • He dresses poorly, even to the point of wearing socks with holes in them, and often wearing dirty or wrinkled clothes, disrespecting his inner desire for clean and appropriate clothing.


  • He is often late, disrespecting his inner desire to get places on time and not be stressed about it.
  • His desk is often a mess, disrespecting his inner desire for order in his life.


  • He does not balance his checkbook and is often overdrawn at the bank, much to the distress of his wife.
  • While he makes plenty of money, he doesn’t save anything, creating an inner sense of insecurity.
  • He often uses money to try to control how others feel about him, disrespecting his own inner worth by trying to buy others’ approval.


  • He often care-takes others rather than saying no when he means no, and yes when he means yes, giving himself up to control others, completely disrespecting his own feelings and needs.
  • He often explains and defends, trying to control others rather than standing in his own power.


  • While he believes in God, he takes no time to nourish himself spiritually.
  • He does things in business that he is not proud of, not respecting himself enough to behave with integrity.

These are just a few of the ways that Nigel has learned to disrespect himself. Others, seeing or sensing his disrespect for himself, naturally treat him with the same disrespect with which he treats himself. Rather than becoming angry at them, Nigel is learning to see them as a mirror of his own inner system. Each time his wife or children, or anyone else treats him disrespectfully, Nigel is learning to go inside and see how he is treating himself.

As a result of this, more people are treating him respectfully. While there will always be some people who are consistently disrespectful to everyone, Nigel is finding out that others do change in response to his changes. He is also learning to respect himself enough to disengage from others when they are being disrespectful to him.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *