Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

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Kids use the silent treatment as a way to freeze you out, to get you to leave them alone, and to push your buttons. What most parents don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the silent treatment is giving your child a feeling of power and control over you.

What’s behind your child’s thinking? Usually they’re angry or embarrassed. In fact, often you’ll get the silent treatment when your child has done something wrong and knows it. They use the silent treatment to blackmail you emotionally. The hard part for parents is that the more you make an issue of it or act like it’s painful or annoying to you, the more your child is going to use it to get to you.

I think it’s important for you to realize that if your child gives you the silent treatment, that’s probably the best problem-solving skill he has at that moment. Simply put, he’s trying to deal with whatever issue is at hand by using this passive aggressive behavior. And by withholding information or thoughts, he has found a way of getting the upper hand. This type of passive aggressive behavior is very destructive in relationships later in life—and it’s definitely a pattern that you don’t want to give in to and reward in your child.

The First Rule: Don’t Take It Personally
I think many parents take the silent treatment personally. After all, it’s designed to make you feel powerless as a parent—and parents hate that feeling. Just remember that there’s more power in responding to it the right way than there is in getting into an ego struggle with your child. Avoiding getting into a fight with your child always gives you more control than engaging in it does. Kids really do need to learn to deal with their problems appropriately and take responsibility. And as a parent, you have to let them grow up. If you keep letting the silent treatment affect you by giving in to your child so they’ll be “nice” and talk to you, then you’re falling into the martyr trap. Giving in to them gives them the wrong message.

I believe that one of the lessons kids have to learn as they grow up is what their “right size” is. Your child’s right size is that he’s a human being, and not some huge giant who can control you by withholding. If he’s an adolescent, his right size is that he’s a teen struggling with things that ten million other kids are struggling with. Your role as a parent is to say, “We’ll help you as much as we can, but don’t take it out on us.” And if you give your kids too much power, you’re missing the point—and they’re missing out on a valuable lesson.

The Second Rule: Give Your Child a Clear Message
I think it’s very important that you give your child a clear message when he gives you the silent treatment. You should say, “Not responding to me is not going to solve your problem. When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here.” And here’s the important part: “Until then, no cell phone use.” Or, “Until we talk, no electronics.” That way, your child has a motivation to talk and to solve the problem. And you’re not pressing him or pushing him. Once you make that statement, go on about your business. Don’t let it be a big deal or a stumbling block. Believe me, if you don’t give the behavior power, you’re going to be a lot better off in the long run.

The Third Rule: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be

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Mental Health Professional James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents." For three decades, James Lehman worked with troubled teens, younger children with behavior problems, and the families and professionals who live with, educate, treat and assist in managing them. James experienced severe behavioral problems himself as a child and adolescent. Born in 1946, he was abandoned at age 2 by parents unable to take care of him. He was found by Mr. Teddy Lehman, who, with his wife Marguerite, went on to adopt him. James began to exhibit oppositional and defiant behavior at home and in the classroom. As he grew older, these behaviors became more severe. Eventually he quit school, left home, lived on the streets in New York City, and drifted into a life of substance abuse and crime, which led to numerous prison sentences. After more than 6 years in various jails and prisons, James was given the opportunity to participate in an accountability–focused treatment program. James Lehman graduated from that treatment program and participated in a period of training to become a staff coordinator—and his career as a counselor, therapist and teacher began. James attended Fordham University for 2 years, moved to New England, and obtained a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work, graduating Summa Cum Laude. As he continued working with children, families and professionals, James was able to attend Boston University and, in 1989, graduated with a Master's Degree in Social Work. While working at a comprehensive residential treatment center, James began private practice, providing treatment, consultation and training to families, public schools and state agencies. The focus of that work was to provide parents, teachers and case managers with the tools they needed to successfully challenge difficult children to develop the problem solving and self–management skills they needed to be successful without relying on disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. He created The Total Transformation Program to provide parents and grandparents with the behavior management tools that were once only available to professionals.
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