Do You Get Frustrated With Others?

12_0023_Layer 77

“I feel so frustrated when Mark is late,” complained Shauna, during our phone session. “What am I supposed to do with all this frustration?”

Shauna believed that her feeling of frustration was being caused by Mark. But this was not the case.

Frustration is the result of an expectation. Shauna had an unrealistic expectation that Mark would be on time, despite the fact that he never was. Shauna knew from the very beginning of their relationship that Mark was always late, but she convinced herself that she could make him change. Shauna hated being late, but because she had fallen in love with Mark, she didn’t want to accept that she could not make him change. So she kept trying to get him to be on time, and kept feeling frustrated each time he was late.

You will likely feel frustrated any time you do not accept the reality of a person or situation. Many people believe that they can get others to change – if they are loving enough, needy enough, angry enough, hurt enough, or punishing enough. Sometimes people will give in to you, but often they end up resisting in other areas in order to not feel controlled by you. No one likes to feel controlled, so often people unconsciously do whatever it is you don’t like to not feel controlled. Few people have learned how to decide for themselves whether or not they want to do as another asks them to do. Instead, they either give in and resent you, or they resist, and in both cases there are negative consequences for the relationship.

“Shauna, if you completely accepted that Mark is always going to be late and that there is nothing you can do about it, what would you do to take responsibility for your own feelings of frustration?”

“Well, I can take my own car, but then I don’t get to be with him.”

“So which is more important to you – being with him and being late, or being on time and not being with him?”

“Why can’t he just be on time?”

“Shauna, this is a complicated issue. Perhaps he had a controlling parent and he learned to resist by being late, or perhaps everyone in his household was always late and he learned to live his life this way. Perhaps he has a problem with time organization and has never learned how to manage time. He can learn this, but he has to want to, and the fact that he is resistant to changing it means that he is getting some benefit out of being late. The issue for you is that you can’t make him change, and the fact that you keep expecting him to change is what is causing your frustration. Accepting your helplessness over him is a big challenge, but until you do you will feel frustrated. Your expectations and resulting frustration is a protection to not feel the authentic feeling, which is the helplessness over him. If you accept this, your frustration will go away and you will learn to take the loving action in your own behalf. So which is more important to you – being with him and being late, or being on time and not being with him?”

“I guess that sometimes it’s more important to be with him and other times it is more important to be on time. And I can see that when it is more important to me to be on time, then I have to take my own car. I can’t say I’m happy about this, but I do feel a sense of relief knowing that I can do something about the time when it is important to me.”

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook Healing Your Aloneness The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook Inner Bonding Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at http://www.innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at http://selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *