Awake From The Nightmare Of Borderline Self-Absorption

A woman sitting in her back yard smiling

The nightmare of Borderline suffering is exacerbated by an unaware self-absorption that magnifies the pain of the core wound of abandonment in those with BPD, and steals hope. It is a self-defeating cycle brought about by the absence of a known true self.

borderline personality disorder (BPD) contrives an intense battle between the false self and the longing for the reclamation of the lost true self in a way that leaves in its wake an abyss of lamenting lostness within a false-self induced haze of self-absorption whose genesis lies within a fallaciously unreasoned and fragmented view of reality. The Borderline is lost to each and every unfolding original moment and this is the primary cause of suffering

Self-absorption is a persisting unrelenting preoccupation with self (your own thoughts or feelings) to the exclusion of everything else. When one is self-absorbed one does not have a balanced view of what is shared reality unfolding in the present moment. Self-absorption is an omnipotent obliqueness habitually-driven by the false self. It is a dysfunctional and very circuitous way of attempting to be.

It is the insurgency of the ruminating, negativity, and protectiveness of the self-absorbed dysfunctional false self against the subjugated potentially functional true self.

This nightmare of self-absorption often experienced by those with BPD can be awakened from when you choose to unstep the patterned dichotomous ways in which you perpetually view and experience the world. It is the process of waking from what is essentially no mind and being re-born into one’s original mind.

In the absence of being fully awake in your original mind you (until you find your way to this freeing awareness and understanding of your true self) will continue to suffer and to project much of your misinterpreted cognitively distorted view of why you are suffering onto others devastating relationships.

You will continue to see what your own self-absorbed negative limiting false self believes and not what is really happening just as you will continue to hear what you think others are saying to you based upon your past (and/or your own introjected invalidator or abuser) and continue to fail to hear what people are actually saying to you in the here and now.

Your original mind is the true self of your human being. It is the seat of your enlightenment ever-so-patiently awaiting your company. It is the authentic part of you than longs to clear a path to awareness and mindful acceptance of each unfolding and original moment. Original moments are the moments that we can experience mindfully for what they are without attaching anything preconceived or expected to them from the past or our hopes or wants from the future.

As Jon-Kabat-Zinn writing about, Zen Master, Soen Sa Nim, in his book, “Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and The World Through Mindfulness”, describes the Zen Master would begin his talks by whacking his Zen stick on a table, offering no explanation, and moving right into what he was talking about. The point of this was to pave the way for each individual to have the opportunity to attempt to grasp the original moment of seeing and the original moment of hearing in his or her original mind before their “…thoughts, interpretations, and emotions pour in so quickly …” that what is experienced primarily is one’s own concepts about what one just saw or heard.

Rather than experiencing what just happened most people become lost to the original moment by what they think about it and by how they felt in response to it. What is felt and thought about, what is interpreted when Sa Nim whacks the stick on a table is what each individual brings to that moment.

That moment, like countless other moments in our lives is so often lost to the reality that, “We evaluate, we judge, we digress, we categorize, we react emotionally…[to]” – We essentially lose the moment. We don’t grasp the moment in any objective way. “We have lost our minds and have taken leave of our senses. Such moment of unawareness color what comes next.”

The Tendency To Stay Lost

We have a tendency to stay lost. We fall into automatic patterns of thinking and feeling for long periods of time that we more often than not are unaware of. In this staying lost those with BPD continue to abandon their pain.

Of course this is not just limited to those with borderline personality disorder by any means. However, this is at the heart of the self-absorbed nightmare that many with BPD are living in what are often very unaware ways – ways that are living proof of how lost to original mind and true self they really are.

It is this fragmentation from true self that is then projected onto others and the Borderline experience of the world causing painful disruption to attempts to be connected, stay connected, or to relate to others.

Borderlines must awake from the nightmare of their own self-absorption which is driven by a diabolical combination of their negative past experience and maladaptive patterned ways of conceptualizing their experiences (thoughts and feelings and/or actions) in life in ways that only perpetuate the pain and agony that they are suffering.

Those diagnosed with BPD, for whatever reasons, have not been able to fully emotionally mature. They are stuck in some developmental stage that renders their ability (before therapy and personal responsibility taking) to relate in functional adult age-appropriate ways.

In this vicious circle of self-defeating, negative, maladaptive ways of thinking and feeling and behaving, those with BPD, are often unaware of how they fall into their own nightmare of self-absorption. Like a truck stuck in muck, the more the Borderline resists accepting what is in his/her life in the here and now, the more he/she spins his or her cognitively distorted thoughts like the wheels of the truck deeper and deeper into a daunting desolate ditch of despair of a self not known, not validated, not understood.

It is this unawareness, this negation of true self, of one’s original mind that continues to cloud and colour the Borderline’s experience of life.

Life is experienced as unbearable in this negative and narrow place where suffering is deemed endless. It is also often the root source of borderline rage. Rage that not only exacerbates the borderline’s suffering but that also causes suffering for those who care about them, non borderlines who are invisible (often) to the borderline’s self absorption living on The Other Side of BPD.

Suffering continues and seems endless because the Borderline doesn’t have the insight or awareness of what is fueling the truck stuck in muck that is his or her self-gratifying-self-indulgent-self-absorption.

This self-absorption is not mindful. It is hidden in the false self. It is often in the unconscious. It is driven and kept alive in borderline fragmentation and lostness. The very self-absorption that sought to protect the psyche, the ego, the true self, the original mind from invalidation (actual or perceived) and from abuse and unmet needs has instead relegated most, if not all, clear sense of what actually is through the very dichotomous thinking that makes what seem like it is be as it seems to the Borderline.

The illusions of self — fragmented from the whole – the esoterically enigmatic guest in the house of self makes vein attempts to conceal itself while all the while being the oblivious, yet obvious, elephant in the room. Those with BPD resist so despairingly the welcoming in of even the most menacing guest to the reality of this “being human” to this guide beyond who comes to create the kind of change necessary to know what it is to have a life worth living and to recover from BPD.

“The Guest House”

This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you out for some new delight..

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,meet them at the door laughing,and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

RUMI

Your living an unaware life has relegated you to being an unwelcome guest in your own house your own being your own soul.

Invite awareness in. Invite your abandoned pain back into your consciousness. Invite in the reality that you can accept where you are right now and how much you hurt right now, in, as a beginning step to making healthy change. The kind of change that might not take away all of your pain but that will teach you that you can build a meaningful and productive life worth living in the midst of endurable pain. Pain that does not have to be suffering unless you continue to choose to let be.

When you know yourself — your true self — you can then be much open to “other” and to the world and your original mind and the here and now – the multitude of original moments life gifts us with to teach us, enhance us, to connect us to the world, to humanity, to each other, to God, to our spirit-filled selves, to help us grow, and bring to us the experience of JOY.

Awareness is the key to awakening from the nightmare of self-absorbed Borderline suffering.

It is this awareness and the acceptance of this awareness without resistance that is a pathway to creating purpose-filled healthy connected relating by coming to discover and know your original mind — your true self.

© A.J. Mahari 2003

A.J. Mahari lives in Ontario, Canada. She is an Author, Speaker, Counselor, Life Coach, BPD/Loved Ones Coach, NPD/Loved Ones Coach, Mental Health Coach, and Self-Improvement Coach. She has been described by many as an insightful and astute student of life’s ups and downs. A.J. is a Mental Health Professional. A.J. writes from her own life experience, education and over 20 years of experience working with clients with Personality Disorders or the Loved Ones of those with them. You can purchase any of A.J.'s 35+ Ebooks or Written and Narrated 45+ Audio Programs or work with her as a your Counselor or Life Coach. She is a sexual abuse survivor and recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago. She is also an adult living with (“high functioning”) Asperger's Syndrome.

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